i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
