my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
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Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
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Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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