my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
