we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
