Your dad touched me again.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
