My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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