JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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