The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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