there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This is the high leading the old right now
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
