Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
