Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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