I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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