I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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