So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
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