threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
