You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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