Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
