I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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