I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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