Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
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he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
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Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.