If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.