I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
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Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
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And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.