Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
