6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
