Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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