On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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