I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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