I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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