I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
