Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
