God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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