I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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