You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
