I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
