i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
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it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
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His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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