my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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