On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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