Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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