You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
