So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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