i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The air was thick with penises
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
