it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
