He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
