I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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