Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
