if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
