my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
