there's paper in my vomit.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
