got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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