Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
