there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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