i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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