You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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