he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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