i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
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isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i've created a new STD.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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