trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
